in an interesting turn of events I am acctually not going to Texas. I am still leaving for the summer andI am still going to be installing security systems but Im going to be going to Providence, RI Im excited. I am still a little wound up about that last blog... I told you becca you all would regret me updating before I calmed down about it.... but I really am thinking that I need to just forget about love Im not good at it. but I find it necissary to appologize. I dont hate allgirls... just mean ones... so almost all girls.

"I know... I worry too much." This phrase is the bane of my existence. I hate that it's true. I hate that she calls me on it. I hate even more that even when she explained away what I had been brooding about, I still cant turn it off. (to add a sort of belated disclaimer - This is another whiney blog- just so you know) I hate girls.. I just do.. the one I hate the least is also the one I hate the most. I don't understand her. I don’t know why Im not good enough for her. or if I really am good enough in which case I don’t understand why she wont just tell me. I have been rejected too many times to think about. but I don’t get brushed off often enough to just ...... "brush it off" If this is what love is.. Im done. even with saying that I don’t want to stop trying. what is it that other people have that I don’t have? It took me all my life up to now to start thinking I was good enough for the girls I thought were out of my league and then.... shut down.. its like everything I do is a joke. "WHY?" in the end of everything that goes wrong I end up with this question. and never an answer I can not believe "its not you" its the worst answer of all. its not even an answer. "its not you" all you have told me is what it is not. you have all brushed a guy off before (directed at the women that read this) though you may not have intended to hurt his feelings it did. why is this done? why you’d you rather tear someone’s heart out than just tell them your not interested? I tried to get a hold of this girl what.... 5 times yesterday. still nothing.... if it were just yesterday I would think her phone was dead. but no. its everyday. every time I ask her out (when I do get hold of her) I get some lame excuse about how she has to do something else but that I can text her later if I want to talk to her.... then I do... (because honestly I cant go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. ) (pathetic I know...) and then she doesn't text back. and she falls off the face of the planet for a few days. I start to wonder just where the hell I stand and she tells me that she hasn't known me long enough to know anything about that...... how the HELL are you supposed to get to know me well enough to decide if you never talk to me?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry about the language... I know I've likely lost most of my readers by now. Im honestly thinking about deleting the whole post and just bottling it up again. the worst of it all is that I cant tell her any of this because Im afraid if I say the wrong thing that I will ruin any chance I might have had left. how freaking twisted is that? I keep praying for someone to come along who I can love more than anyone I have loved so far. a lot of good it has done me so far... or maybe I’m just blind either way I’m getting about as much clear response from God as I am from this girl that I cant stop thinking about. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore. But im afraid if I take what I can get then I will have to settle for someone who doesn't make me as happy. I know I’m shallow. is it too much to ask to be fully happy? is it too much to ask to want to be with a girl that make you think every minute could be your last and you would die happy? is it too much to ask to want to love someone more than your will to live? apparently it is.

April 12th - April 15th

The above day, dearys, is my availabillity for a serious bonfire before I take off for Texas. .... I have several more days that I could take off (4 to be exact) if given enough notice (ASAP) and we could possibly do somthing exciting and awsome (like kyaking or biking ) ... I think that would be a great idea.... any takers? joe? mich? ..... becca? I know becca is leaving us soon but I've never heard of only one months notice on a mission call and I know she hasn't gotten it yet.... she would have let me know... right? .. .. right? Anyway. sad that no one is here today to come play with me.. Im sitting alone in my apartment smelling the wonderful short ribs in the oven .. mmm Its such a great day. so warm and sunny. an absolutly wonderful (boring) day.

I'm sitting alone in my apartment.
It's so quiet. It's almost cold.
The two characteristics are so tangled up in a mess of complexity that they may as well be one.
it feels like its raining outside but its not. the suttle damper in the air is illuding. It induces thoughts about things that make me think.
the damper is almost so convincing that I am carried away in my imiagination to places where I am not and have never been but only in my mind. I in places where its always raining . romanticly impovershed citys full of children so happy just to own shoes. Thriving metropolices so fourtunate to have shoeless children shining their overpriced armani dress loafers.
One day I wish I could see them
I wish I could know the shoe shine boy who pay for his fathers addiction. I wish I could meet his father. so hyped up he cant remember his sons name ...... but he loves him. I wish I could understand him.

well I suppose its time to tell you all what I am doing.


The previous post was the mark of a turning point... I would like to tell you that I am not the same person I was before the post but... it would not be true I am not a changed person but I am a changing person. I have not gone to church in over two months. partly it was in my control... partly it was not. I am inclined to believe it was more my fault than anyone elses. I work on Sunday.. I dont want to .... dont get me wrong but I wanted to get a daytime shift and the only one available was a shift where I had to work on sunday. I accepted so it really is all on me.... (I have spent to long on that subject I think) with not going to church my general spirituallity has dropped. however last week I sang in church with the institue choir and I honestly thought about the words that I was singing.. "do I really believe this?" I didnt know. I could not have told you at that time whether or not anything my parents had taught me was true. so I stopped going to choir. For one week I slept in I didnt do anything really spiritual and I decided to go back on my previous conviction to go on a mission. (not that I havn't done that before) And I will tell you right now. I was hurting. physically and spiritually I was sick I never felt good. I hated myself and some old demons of my came back to haunt me. And of course my room was messier than ever. Jourdan (my roomate) challanged me to see if I could keep my room clean for at least a week... (he didnt think I could do it) So I clean up my room and re-arranged my furniture and I got to thinking how much better it made me feel so I started doing other things like getting into a morning routine (brushing my teeth, laying out my clothes, making my bed....etc) and as silly as that sounds I started feeling better about myself and started prying again. and started reading the scriptures again. and started going back to choir. then the day before yesterday (i think)... Before going to bed I prayed and asked if I should go on a mission. I asked God to make it blatently obvious for me since I was not any good at listening for answers. And the next morning before choir a guy named Chris stood up and pitched a recruiting ad for a company called APX Sercurity apperently this company goes out every summer and sells home security systems to different parts of the country. and Chris's team was goign to El Paso Texas he asked if anyone needed a summer job and said that I could make enough to more than pay for my mission (when I asked him about it later) . God answered my prayer in a very very obvious way to me. A good part of the reason I never went was because I could not pay for it. this was an answer.

Thats why Im not going to Cali with yall ..... sorry.. I would like to but this is much more importiant to me. I got the job and will be leaving April 24th for Texas. I wont be back until September 4th I dont know when UVSC's semester starts but umm if it started later than that then I would love to still go on a road trip!!! so ya... sorry to dissapoint... I am thinking about quiting Alorica a little early though and spending the week visiting friends and family since I'll most likely be leaving for my mission soon after I get back (like a month or what not) I havn't decided just yet... hmm