"I know... I worry too much." This phrase is the bane of my existence. I hate that it's true. I hate that she calls me on it. I hate even more that even when she explained away what I had been brooding about, I still cant turn it off. (to add a sort of belated disclaimer - This is another whiney blog- just so you know) I hate girls.. I just do.. the one I hate the least is also the one I hate the most. I don't understand her. I don’t know why Im not good enough for her. or if I really am good enough in which case I don’t understand why she wont just tell me. I have been rejected too many times to think about. but I don’t get brushed off often enough to just ...... "brush it off" If this is what love is.. Im done. even with saying that I don’t want to stop trying. what is it that other people have that I don’t have? It took me all my life up to now to start thinking I was good enough for the girls I thought were out of my league and then.... shut down.. its like everything I do is a joke. "WHY?" in the end of everything that goes wrong I end up with this question. and never an answer I can not believe "its not you" its the worst answer of all. its not even an answer. "its not you" all you have told me is what it is not. you have all brushed a guy off before (directed at the women that read this) though you may not have intended to hurt his feelings it did. why is this done? why you’d you rather tear someone’s heart out than just tell them your not interested? I tried to get a hold of this girl what.... 5 times yesterday. still nothing.... if it were just yesterday I would think her phone was dead. but no. its everyday. every time I ask her out (when I do get hold of her) I get some lame excuse about how she has to do something else but that I can text her later if I want to talk to her.... then I do... (because honestly I cant go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. ) (pathetic I know...) and then she doesn't text back. and she falls off the face of the planet for a few days. I start to wonder just where the hell I stand and she tells me that she hasn't known me long enough to know anything about that...... how the HELL are you supposed to get to know me well enough to decide if you never talk to me?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry about the language... I know I've likely lost most of my readers by now. Im honestly thinking about deleting the whole post and just bottling it up again. the worst of it all is that I cant tell her any of this because Im afraid if I say the wrong thing that I will ruin any chance I might have had left. how freaking twisted is that? I keep praying for someone to come along who I can love more than anyone I have loved so far. a lot of good it has done me so far... or maybe I’m just blind either way I’m getting about as much clear response from God as I am from this girl that I cant stop thinking about. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore. But im afraid if I take what I can get then I will have to settle for someone who doesn't make me as happy. I know I’m shallow. is it too much to ask to be fully happy? is it too much to ask to want to be with a girl that make you think every minute could be your last and you would die happy? is it too much to ask to want to love someone more than your will to live? apparently it is.