In all the plans we make for life, somtimes life has other plans for us.

as all of you know I will be leaving for RI in a few days. But as none of you know. this post will mark the last and final chapter of this blog. There are several entrys in this blog for which I hold great regret and several for which I hold nothing but warm regards. I have used this blog in a way to express my inner most feelings. For far too long I have ben a slave to my silence. For far too long I have abused myself silently waging war in my heart and my head over what to say and how to act. always wondering what other people are saying or thinking. Somtimes I think so much about what I should do that when the time comes to do it. I miss my chance because Im afraid I would only mess it up anyway. these are feelings that I do not want anymore. they are feelings that are prevoked by my constant need for approval from others. I mask it very well by just not talking somtimes but that doesn't help resolve the problem I fear in fact that it only makes it worse and it certianly makes it harder to deal with.. everything about this blog reminds me of these feelings. every time I check the comments only to find there are none only to find no one really felt the meaning of what I was trying to say it provokes feelings in me that I dont want or need to be feeling. not that it is your fault any of you but i would just as soon not have that sort of anxiety that fear of rejection or worse of indifference, so it is with a heavy heart that I tender the last few words that this blog will sound. good luck, and goodnight.

Simple Really

Its the simple things that we take advantage of the most. Its things like walking a dog, going to the laundrymat, reading the sunday paper, taking out the trash. In a way its the people we would have met in these simple situations that we take advantage of the most. All of us are just trying not to end up lonely. but we are. we are so very lonely. And its because of these everyday tasks that we look at as nothing more than that "a task". There are people we could meet, beautiful things we could be held witness to. small things we could do to make someone elses life less lonely and in turn make our own lives more full. Life is somewhat like a train ride. the train is steady, fixed you could say. It doesn't turn right or left. It follows a set course. it goes at a steady pace making few stops along the way. in a sense it is two dimentional. in that it can only go forward or backward. But the train is full of other people. not all of them going the same place as you but for the breif moments that you share together you are going in the same direction. You as an individual may choose to gaze on into the passing scenic views or even to indulge your time selfishly not observing the world around you. but you will get to where you are going just the same. If you choose this path.. you have missed the point. life is for living, for breathing, for laughing and enjoying the company of your fellow passengers. when the train stops for the last time everyone must get off. in a symbolic sense we can see this as the end of your life And in the end the train will stop at its final destination. and none of the passengers will have had an effect on how quickly it got there or where it got to but few will have learned the lesson of why the got on the train. Life is not defined as just getting to where you are going, it's not how you get there even. Life is defined by what you did in the time that was given to you.

So...... I dont know about you all but there is no way Im going to "swim across the atlantic ocean"

ok so I decided to do the whole johari window thing too. click here to do mine.

HowManyOfMe.com

There is 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

the wooden crate has long been held up as an example of lazy game art design a crutch that game level decorators have been falling back on for fifteen stupid years. Come to think of it, have you ever actually seen one of those wooden crates in real life? And did you smash it to see if there were bullets and medicine inside




ya I didnt think so.

Repair, Reprive, Return

If I were to say that I am uneffected by this experience then I surely would have to lie. But notwithstanding the pain and the overall resentment I feel I am happy to have learned a lesson. Until recent events occured I believed that most everyone was worthy of trust. I have learned. Not everyone is as innocent as they seem. While I still think people in general are inherently good I know that they must earn trust. A fault of mine which I do not wish to correct is that my good opinion once lost is lost forever. I feel as though many more people would not have lost that good opinion if I had not been so quick to bestowe it upon them. there are a few of you who would not be able to loose that opinion if you tried. I know you too well. But I think for now my best bet is to cover my feelings for other people until Im positive that the possible rebuke is not likely. I know this seems "hermit like" but I would rather be a happy hermit than a sad fool. somewhere in my mind I know that these feelings will fade and I will find someone new I cant live without. I do appriciate the message board that my blog comment box has become though. quite amusing to see the conversation progress one comment at a time. And Julia... I would love to hang out while Im up in Rhode Island. Of course we will have to go to one of the yankee/ sox games so you can see the error of your ways. And so I can boo incesantly at the sox and get kicked out. that will be a blast. do you think I'll get mugged if I wear my Jersy and hat to a Soxs game even if the Yankees aren't playing?

in an interesting turn of events I am acctually not going to Texas. I am still leaving for the summer andI am still going to be installing security systems but Im going to be going to Providence, RI Im excited. I am still a little wound up about that last blog... I told you becca you all would regret me updating before I calmed down about it.... but I really am thinking that I need to just forget about love Im not good at it. but I find it necissary to appologize. I dont hate allgirls... just mean ones... so almost all girls.